Balancing Alone and Together!

“My wife and I have been married for umpteen years- there’s nothing we don’t do together. We have a good life and she’s my best friend, the problem is that romance has been dead for many years. I have longed to feel that connection, but the spark never gets lit. Now life is boring, we do everything together. Discussions surround the food we eat and the friends we meet and the movies we see or the health problems we are having. Have I missed the boat?”  It’s a sad state- but all too common. It’s also not limited to older couples. Young ones are unable in the age of easily available distractions, to keep the spark going – everyone is bored too easily!

One doesn’t want a romantic partnership to become a platonic friendship. How does this happen? Where do the sparks get lost? “Love rests on two pillars: surrender and autonomy. Our need for togetherness exists alongside our need for separateness.” says Esther Perel.

The ability to balance being alone and together might be the key to keeping relationships well. They can sound mutually exclusive, however in this blog I want to show you that they can coexist in a healthy relationship.

Understanding Independence in Relationships

Independence, in a relationship is about the ability to maintain a sense of self and autonomy while being in relationship. When your sense of identity and emotional wellbeing comes exclusively from your relationship and personal goals, interests, and friendships outside the relationship are made unimportant, then, it starts becoming heavy.

Pursuing individual interests, hobbies, and career goals help us maintain a sense of self and personal fulfillment. Being able to take care of yourself and setting boundaries so that each person has their own time and space is a consequence of trust and stability. Its absence or a demand for its absence is unhealthy. Sacrificing everything for the one you love might sound hugely romantic, but it can all too easily become an obligation and drive love away. As Gottman so aptly puts it, “Our partners don’t always have to think like we think. That’s what makes life interesting—it would be boring to be married to yourself. In fact, that’s called being single.”

Myth: Independence means not needing anyone, being detached emotionally or pursuing just your own goals! Truth: Healthy independence contributes to self-esteem and overall relationship satisfaction.

Understanding Togetherness in Relationships

Togetherness in a relationship is referring to the emotional and physical closeness that partners share. When you spend quality time together, support each other, and create shared experiences that strengthen your bond, rather than take it for granted that you will spend together time and that support is imperative, then life can be in flow.

Being there for each other during good times and bad, offering empathy, and understanding comes from conscious intent and is not organic. To create a strong connection it becomes necessary to engage in activities and create memories together.  They become the foundation of a loving future. “I’ve found 94 percent of the time that couples who put a positive spin on their marriage’s history are likely to have a happy future as well. When happy memories are distorted, it’s a sign that the marriage needs help.”, says Gottman

 Intimacy is a space we crave- a person with whom we can just be ourselves and whom we in turn can see – this is the balm for many an illness. This is a space that has to be developed and maintained.

Myth: Togetherness means losing individual agency, constant togetherness, and dependency.

Truth: Healthy togetherness fosters connection, trust, and a sense of partnership.

Balancing Independence and Togetherness

Healthy relationships need a balance of independence and togetherness. While independence nurtures personal growth, togetherness fosters relational growth. Both are essential, because one cannot have relational growth without personal growth and vice versa. Both of them implicitly hinge on the ability to have boundaries. I should be able to go out with my friends when I want to but also know when to stay back if my partner asks for my presence.

Independence is about focusing on the self while togetherness is about focusing on the relationship. Independence is about being self sufficient and togetherness is about letting the other help.

Achieving a balance involves honest and vulnerable communication, an understanding of the nature of our humanity- we come alone and go alone, so no wisdom in trying to own another person. When a couple is able to focus on quality of time and not fuss about quantity, there can be space in togetherness. I have also found that the happiest couples egg each other on toward personal successes and celebrate each other.

"When there is someone who can delight in your success almost as if it were their own, life can feel very sorted."

Myth: You have to choose between independence and togetherness.

Truth: Both can coexist and complement each other in a balanced, healthy relationship.

I have seen couples who are not doing so well in the world, struggling financially; find joy in their togetherness as much couples who are doing well. So it isn’t a case of external circumstance as intent. What is common seems to be that they are able to admire the other person and value their presence as life goes by. The couples that don’t do so well are those that are intimidated by their partner or are competing with them, trying to prove themselves better or more right.

As Esther Perel puts it “When two become one—connection can no longer happen. There is no one to connect with. Thus separateness is a precondition for connection: this is the essential paradox of intimacy and sex." I hope that this article helps to clarify the need for the  I in the We.  Please do leave your thoughts below.